Our emotional brain and the beliefs it carries

-5min reading-

In the last four years, I've been learning about the profound impact our childhood has on our lives. This understanding has come from my own experiences, the guidance of exceptional professionals, self-study, and listening to other people's life stories and reflections.

If we think back 50 years ago (the generation of my parents), it was inconceivable to think that your first 10 years of life would dictate so much of your behaviours, choices, and struggles. Today, there are thousands of scientific research studies proving how early experiences shape our brain and mind (yes, they are two different things). And the findings are astonishing.

In (very) simplified terms, the way it works is that our brain is kinda divided into 3 parts. When we are born, we only have one of those parts “formed”, the reptilian brain, as it's called. This part controls all the automatic functions in our body, like breathing, pooping, digesting, etc. Basically the processes that keep us alive.

Then there is the second part, the limbic brain - our emotional brain. This one develops from our first years of life until the age of 10-15 years old. This part of the brain maps our perceptions of ourselves, other people, and the world, and coordinates how we relate to them. It determines what we consider a threat, or what we deem safe. It manages how we respond to situations, relationships, and how our nervous system is wired.

And then there is the "rational" brain, the frontal cortex, the part that allows us to think and reflect, which set us apart from the rest of the animals. This part continues to develop until we reach our 30s or so.

Research shows that our brains in childhood develop according to the environments in which we are raised and the experiences to which we are exposed. At every moment during that stage, our brains are creating new connections. These, based on our experiences, will shape how we live and relate to all the complexities of our adult lives.

One interesting thing to point out here is that the brain we develop as children is the same one we use when we become adults. So, in most cases, we are actually adults relating to the world as if we were still children.

Unless you were raised by emotionally mature parents (I will talk about what this means in the next issues) or you did the inner work to heal your emotional wounds, chances are that your brain hasn't been updated yet to the grown-up version of you. This means that you're also not fully living in your power and in your body.

How do we know if we still have work to do to “update our system”?

Clear signs are if you tend to think that other people are the problem, if you blame external circumstances for how you feel, if you feel victimized by life in some aspect, or if you ever feel that anyone - your parents, friends, community, or life in general - owes you anything. I speak from my own experience.

If we take a moment to reflect, this is the perspective of a child. Children are indeed helpless; they are owed care by others so they can survive and develop. As adults, we can't feel like victims and be empowered at the same time.

Oh, the adult life. Honestly, I believe I only started maturing as an adult in the last four years - meaning, I started taking responsibility for my shit. And that's how I began learning about all of this stuff.

My journey

Here's how it started for me:

Four years ago, I contacted a highly recommended therapist (a close friend was working with her at the time and I saw firsthand the amazing transformation happening in her life - I wanted that too).

-"So, how can I help you?" She asked me in our first session.

-"Look, I'm developing two businesses, and I'm doing this, that, and something else. I need someone to keep me accountable so I don't sabotage myself." - I replied with fierce confidence.

LOL

She saw the wounded child in me right away.

And that was when the most amazing and challenging transformation began for me.

I didn't know at the time, but all this "doing, doing, doing" and all the pressure I carried inside me was a reflection of my need for approval from the world. And by world, I mean "parents". When we are children, our parents are our world - they're literally like our gods. We naturally have a tendency to project the way we relate to our parents in the way we relate to the “world” or when we talk about the “people” out there (in generalized terms).

(Tip: this is a interesting exercise to observe. Compare beliefs you carry about “the world” and how most “people” are with how you perceive your primary care givers in similar matters. The revelation is astonishing.)

In that first session, she tore apart the image of perfection that I had worked so hard to maintain (mostly for myself). She gave me glimpses into what was behind my pain. I had no other option but to continue the work, because once you see it, you can't unsee it. And I'll tell you something, I'm not scared of dealing with shit. Especially when they're my own. Cause I learned that the work is messy but once I clean it up, the rewards are deeply fulfilling in all positive ways.

And thankfully I did.

I arrived there saying, "Hey, I'm a hardworking, strong, independent woman. Please help me stay on track." But beneath this facade, I often felt undervalued by others. Despite the confidence I projected, I struggled to assert myself, to own my boundaries, voice, and ideas. I was deeply afraid of surrendering to a relationship. I believed that work was the center and meaning of life. I was more focused on what the world wanted me to be, rather than embracing who I truly am. (a.k.a. I was a serial people pleaser).

It was all the child in me. My system wasn't updated. I didn't have emotionally mature parents to guide me in my development. Despite having been to therapy before, this time was different; it was only then that I started doing the real work.

When I look back and reflect on where I am now, I'm so grateful I had the courage to do this hard and messy work on myself. Now I know what is really important to ME, and what I want out of life: to be with my family as much as I can (in a more healthy dynamic), cultivate the beautiful friendships I've developed, live close to nature, and eventually build a family of my own (with dogs, not kids - so far).

I'm not saying that work and doing cool stuff isn't relevant; of course, I'm still excited about it. There's so much I still dream about doing and experimenting with. But I'm learning to set my priorities right, and what will truly make me smile on my deathbed.

And it's funny to me to observe that at the top of my priorities now are relationships. Because I used to have it in the opposite way. It was all about doing. I was so focused on work, recognition, bucket lists, and checklists. I used to think that was all that mattered.

The belief

But what I didn't know was that this was how my emotional brain was connected. There were some invisible coordinates telling me that if I just became successful at work, and received recognition for it, then I would gain the love, which was always my primary drive in the first place. I just wasn't aware of it.

The consequence was that I built my perception of my self-identity, of who I am, based on work. I'm only lovable if I'm productive. This was the belief I internalized when I was a kid. That I had to work for love. But of course, I wasn't aware of it. It was all in my subconscious. And, I can’t even begin to tell you how much struggle, especially emotional, this way of relating to the world and to myself caused me.

But the good news I'm here to share is: the brain can change.

Our perception of ourselves and, therefore, of the world and others can also change. The brain is like play-doh; we can shape it and form new connections (hopefully more positive) all the time, even after our 30s. This is called neuroplasticity (see image below). However, to change it, we first need to see it for what it is. That's the journey I'm on, shaping the life, brain, and mind that will allow me to experience a fulfilled life.

At the end of the day, I risk saying that, regardless of who we are or whatever we do, we are all in pursuit of connecting with the same thing: love.

I don't know yet all there is to know about me, the world, and the invisible dynamics of life. But this is what I intend to learn and share along the way.

In the next issue, I will write more about what this process of transformation looks like in practice. Making the unconscious conscious is just the first step; the real work begins with what we do with it.

Note: if you're curious to learn more about how our brain is shaped by our early experiences and environment, and how the 3 “parts” of our brain is formed, I recommend the book ‘The body Keeps the Score’ by Bessel Van Der Kolk.'

with love,

Nat