Sexless relationship?

-5min reading time-

I have a friend, Jennifer (not her real name), who has been married for over 10 years. Over the last few years, she has shared several times how she has become increasingly controlling in her relationship and that her sex drive (for her husband) has become non-existent.

She tried everything she could. She went to therapy, tried different therapists, she attempted to discuss with her partner what she wanted to change - multiple times. She tried it softly, she tried it pushy, she tried to change her behaviour, she tried to change his behaviour. Nothing seemed to work.

She loved her husband, but deep down, she knew that this was not the way to live or the kind of relationship she wanted.

In the background, she was worried about how to bring more money into the house. She was concerned about what their future would look like, whether they would buy a house one day, and if they would have kids. She wondered, but how? We can barely afford life as it is, she thought. On top of that, she was the one investing in her personal growth, concerned about how she could improve herself to become a better woman for both herself and her partner.

At times, her partner was reactive to her demands, other times, he shut down. Sometimes he agreed with everything she said, but nothing really changed. He even went to therapy, but to her frustration he was not really invested in it, it all stayed on the surface. His lack of action towards the relationship only led to more frustration and distancing between them.

If you're the kind of person who thinks, "oh, but this is the X year crisis," I'm here to tell you that such a thing doesn't exist. What does exist is how long a couple can push their unseen dynamics or abandonment of nurturing for the relationship under the rug until they can't anymore.

Jennifer is not alone. It happens that I also know other women who find themselves in a similar situation to hers. Women who are in relationships varying from 1 to 10 years long. I have also find myself in a similar situation in the past a few times. They love their partners, they want the relationship to flourish, they've tried everything they know, but it all ends in frustrated attempts.

The context and details may change from case to case, but they all have one thing in common: the woman is the one leading in the relationship.

But I have good news :)

A while ago, Jennifer came to me to share how much happier she was in her relationship, how attracted she now felt toward her husband, and how she was becoming more relaxed and easygoing.

So, what happened? What was the magic pill that transformed water into wine for Jennifer?

A book I recommended to her, which I told her to suggest to him.

And so she did. He was open and curious enough to give it a try. And for their benefit, the contents of the book really resonated with parts of him that maybe had been dormant for a while: his masculine energy.

There are hundreds of small issues that couples often complain about, attributing these as the causes of their relationship problems. But many times, these are just symptoms of a polarity issue.

Polarity - Feminine and Masculine in relationship

Polarity is what creates attraction, passion, and spark in a relationship. In daily life, both men and women carry both masculine and feminine energies. But when you're cultivating polarity in relationship, one person will embody the masculine energy and the other, the feminine energy.

In the last issue, I mentioned that harmony occurs when our feminine and masculine energies are balanced within unity. In that case, the 'unity' was the individual self. In this case, the unity is the relationship, in which each person relaxes into their primary energy, creating integration in the relationship dynamic.

This is true for couples of any sex or gender. However, I will speak from the perspective of a heterosexual couple which the woman has a core feminine energy and the man, a core masculine energy, since that's my experience and deeper understanding of the application in practice. Adapt as you see fit.

Depolarization happens when one or both in the relationship is operating from their opposite polar, or when both are operating from the same polarity. For example, when both are in a masculine energy, or both in a feminines, or when the man goes passive into a feminine energy and the woman has to lead with her masculine energy.

Let's gain some perspective on what this looks like:

The masculine (energy) in relationship takes charge, brings clarity and decisiveness, has a strong presence, creates structure, stands grounded, is consistent, has clear boundaries, and is not afraid of emotions.

While, when the feminine (energy) in relationship is light, lift up spirits and provides nurturing energy. It has a inner glow that radiates through her expression, is a defender of the couple's connection, and is able to surrender and trust.

BUT, this is a big BUT, these aspects of femininity can only flourish and open when a woman feels safe, seen, and understood. When a woman doesn't feel this way, her masculine defenses go up and there's no possibility of passion, spark, and sex.

A man grounded in his masculine core will enable his woman to relax and open. The feminine comes out when she feels loved and led by her man.

A woman can only relax in her radiant and natural feminine energy when she feels safe. A man with a strong masculine core creates safety for women. When a woman doesn't feel safe, she is pushed to her masculine energy, because now she has to protect herself, lead the relationship, and provide. This may look like she is controlling, nagging, or criticizing constantly. What she is actually saying is “I don't feel safe with you.”

In Jennifer's case, the underlying issue beneath their multiple little conflicts was that her man was not embodying his masculine core. Instead, he was in a passive state towards himself, life, and the relationship.

In face of her behaviours and attitudes that signals “I don't feel safe”, instead of rising to his grounded masculine energy, the man shuts downs, reacts, fights back, or gets into defensive mode. What makes a woman feel more unsafe in his presence, as he is retreating instead of taking leadership, feeding more her distressing behaviour. It's an endless cycle.

For a woman, feeling safe is not only the absence of physical threat, but also the trust that she is protected emotionally, physically, and financially. It's the feeling that she doesn't need to be alert and ready all the time, because she knows her man is in charge.

To clarify, let's explore what is the FALSE idea of a man in his masculine:

• Emotionally tightened up

• Agressive

• Alpha dog archetype

• Proud nice guy archetype

• Controlling and dominant

• And variations of the above…

A strong masculine core is about leadership and groundedness. The degree to which a man is "in charge" is based on how grounded he is in himself and how well he inspires trust from his woman.

The role of the feminine in creating polarity

“Feminine polarity seeks emotional fulfillment and connection. This energy is open and full of energy, oftentimes nurturing, other times more free-spirited. It is all about emotion for the feminine partner – giving and receiving love, making connections and appreciating the beauty of life.”

When a man give, a woman also needs to know how to receive. If the woman has been to long operating with a masculine core due to unhealthy conditioning, trauma, or bad role models, she won't allow space for her man to lead, probably attracting men who are underdeveloped in their masculine, and which won't allow her to relax in her feminine.

Women who consider themselves hyper-independent and are unsatisfied with the type of relationship they experience likely have some work to do in healing their pain towards the masculine that has caused them to be stuck in survival mode. Their soft feminine energy has probably been put aside due to them not feeling safe and having to provide for themselves.

The feminine in women is like a precious pearl, when it's under attack, her masculine energy comes out and begins to form a shell to protect it, like an armor. Doing your inner work will allow you more control over how to access the best of both energies at the right time, learning to access the power of your feelings, intuition, trust and surrender, and not having to carry an armor 24/7. That's a pretty heavy lift.

When a woman learns to cultivate her feminine energy, she learns to open up, let go of control, and allow herself to be led. This enables her to relax and bring other qualities into the relationship, like focusing on cultivating connection, pleasure, and affection.

It's common that women with wounded feminine confuse being led in relationship with powerless dependence. They mistake male leadership for control, and men opening car doors as an insult about their capability. These are women who are likely to put themselves in a position that they have to do and be all things to all people.

Contrary to popular belief, when a woman connects with her feminine energy, her confidence, self-trust, and wisdom increase. She can then use her masculine energy more effectively to create boundaries that protect this precious part of herself.

Polarity is the key to passion, and why roles matter

Through my personal exploration, experience, and studies, I've learned that when there's love in a relationship but the spark is lost, it's because the relationship dynamic is not balanced. Many problems in relationships can be traced back to depolarization.

The way I see it, the lenses of polarity offer us a perspective to reflect on and observe what needs to be balanced and what changes need to be made. However, the work to get there is not about mimicking certain behaviors, but doing the inner work that will allow us to heal the hurt parts of ourselves. This way, we can express all of our parts with confidence and trust in ourselves first.

Now, with her husband conscious of being more in his masculine core, Jennifer can relax more in her feminine energy. He is leading more in the relationship, and she is learning to trust him. Both have inner work to do to become grounded in their core energies, and they are both committed to doing that together.

She shared that one thing they decided to do was to set a weekly meeting where they talk about themselves, their relationship, how they are feeling, and provide feedback to each other. It's a moment in which they're both open to listening and making adjustments to balance the dynamics between them. I think this is a great strategy, as over time it's natural for couples to get more caught up in routine and Netflix, leaving the communication and alignment of the relationship adrift.

So, what book was that after all?

That's for the next issue :) I have a lot to talk about it.

With love,

Nat

P.S.: If you have any thoughts, questions, or just feel like sharing your experience, please do! The point of all this is to create conversations from which we can grow together.