Two versions of a conflict, and how to pick wisely

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I've been conflict-avoidant for most of my life. Now, I have to work really hard (inside myself) to create conflicts, or at least to allow them to unfold - as they should.

It's an intentional effort I have to put in daily to NOT blind myself to the conflict that is there but my primary conditioning leads me to pretend that it’s not.

Like everything in life, the more I practice, the easier it gets.

I have gotten to the point where I'm more comfortable with it now, but it's not easy yet.

There's a saying that goes:

“When you avoid conflict to keep the peace, the conflict will now exist inside of you.”

This is something I reflect on often as I progress on my journey of facing conflicts.

Every coin conflict has two sides

I also like to keep in the back of my mind that problems will always arise, and it is only in my power to choose what kind of problem I want to deal with.

There's another popular quote that goes something along the lines of:

“Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard. Choose your hard.
Being in the debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard.
Communication is hard. Not communicating is hard. Choose your hard.
There will always be hard things, but we can choose our hard. Pick wisely.”

I would add to that: Facing conflict with others is hard. Being in conflict with yourself is hard. Choose your hard.

There's also another angle to it, which is: in every conflict, everyone is right if you choose to see it through their eyes. So, when we neglect our standing in situations, afraid of upsetting people, the message we're sending to ourselves (to our brain pathways and subconscious) is that we are less deserving to be heard than others.

How to pick wisely?

I can't answer that for you. But for me, the answer has been by choosing myself. Which means prioritizing being in peace with myself even if creates conflict with others.

Anytime we put ourselves in a position of inauthenticity (acting in ways that are not coherent with how we feel and think), we are fucking ourselves for the long-term by choosing a short-term illusory comfort.

What I learned is that when I choose to avoid conflict, express myself, and stand for my position, I create a chain of problems and hardships that I have no control over whatsoever, because I'm delegating my responsibility to care for myself to others. And this is hard. In this way, conflict arises inside and outside of me over time. Avoiding conflict is a short-term decision with long-term consequences.

But when I decide to put myself in situations in which conflict may arise due to my standing, it's a short-term, really uncomfortable moment, but that grants me higher chances of satisfaction, since I offer transparency to all involved and the opportunity to find common ground, make adjustments, or just decide that if whatever is being presented is not good for me, to walk away from it.

Authenticity and truth-sharing (your version of the truth) is a gift to others. Don't spare it, be generous.

Choosing your hard

“Do you handle the consequences of your decisions?” That's the question my therapist taught me to ask myself.

Another thing I've learned throughout the years (and I'm still learning) is that instead of asking myself if a certain attitude or decision is right or wrong, a better approach is to ask myself, “Can I handle the consequences of this decision well? And how will that work for me in the short and long term perspective?”

Oftentimes we might struggle with questions like:

• “Do I talk to my friend/partner about how I felt hurt or just ignore it?"

• “Do I say at work that I'm not satisfied with how things are being handled, or leave it and expect things to change?"

• “Do I tell my instructor that I'm not satisfied with how they are approaching the class, or do I just stop attending?”

• And other versions of “Do I say, do I shut down, do I go?”

The cost of not choosing

When we don't consciously choose our hardships and the consequences of what we are willing to go through, we leave to others the responsibility to care for ourselves. This is mostly a bad idea since it's literally impossible for others to know and prioritize what we want and need, especially when we don't do it ourselves first.

“Saying No to people doesn't push people away”

I wrote this sentence at the top of my digital journal as a reminder to keep myself in check.

In the imagination of my inner child (the part of me conditioned by my early experiences in life), whenever I would say no, stand for my boundaries, communicate my dissatisfaction, state what I want in the face of the possibility of others not wanting the same, or other versions of that, the reaction people would have is to immediately dislike me, have the most horrible thoughts about who I am as a person, and then leave forever, as they talk to other people to never come close to me ever again. And I will die alone in isolation in the Sahara desert.

I know. A bit too catastrophic, even for me.

But how do I assure to this infantile part of me that this won't happen?

By acting on it and proving to her that saying “no” to people doesn't push people away. And if it does, that was a wise thing to do.

The part of us that is scared of conflict is the part of us that is afraid of not being loved by others.

But the more we choose ourselves - which means to develop the confidence that we're worthy of being seen and heard, and act accordingly to that - the less we feel the need to be chosen by others for validation.

I saw this other day and I guess is a good way to close this thought for today:

“When you embrace the fact that people can be disappointed or upset with you, and still love you, it will change your life.”

Learning how to handle conflicts actually gives us the chance to live more genuinely and to build stronger, more honest connections with those around us. I know it can be hard sometimes, but you're worth it :)

With love,

Nat

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